Friday, November 04, 2005

how to eat like a snake

People ask me all the time "Bitch, how do you stay so slim?" My automated response used to be "A balanced diet and exercise!" Even though it wasn't true, this answer would make me feel I was fulfilling my civic duty by promoting a healthy lifestyle. Richard Simmons would be proud. Other times I'd say "I have a naturally high metabolism." While this was equally untrue, its embedded arrogance would have the unintended effect of making other people feel bad about themselves. Kind of how Tori Spelling might feel. She can get as much work done on herself as she wants but she'll always look like a crossdresser.

But the truth of the matter is, it has nothing to do with regular exercise, or a low carb, low sugar, fat free diet. There are no counting calories, no reading labels, and very little deprivation of any sort actually. Rather, my heretofore closely guarded secret is... you have to eat like a snake. Let me explain how this works.

On an average day, a person is encouraged to consume at least 3 meals a day. Some health nuts even suggest 5 or 7 small meals throughout the day. The problem with this system is that you're occupied, maybe even becoming obsessed, with the consumption and digestion of food at any given time. Include the fact that we are awake for only about 16 hours per day, subtract the time it takes to either buy groceries, cook or go to restaurants, subtract even further the time it takes to eat and clean up, and you are looking at only about 5 hours per day of food free time. Add to that the fact that you have to exercise to work off those calories consumed and you might as well kiss a whole day goodbye. When will you have time to surf the net? (My math is flawless, don't question it.)

This is crazy talk. I cannot stress this enough. I think all of us have more important things to do. I can think of way better things to do with my time that won't drain my wallet, consume my time, or require me to sweat in any way. This is where the snake diet comes in. What you do is fairly simple. Satisfy all the dietary requirements, calories, and cravings in one sitting. That's right. Just eat your heart out. This works as long as you only do this for one meal a day. If you manage to eat several meals in this manner you will begin to resemble Jabba the Hut. But if you do it right, you will feel like you are going to explode if you take another bite. Once this is accomplished, you will find yourself thinking, "Hell, I'm never going to eat again" or better yet, "If I look at one more piece of sweet potato pie I'm going to caulk the tiles in the bathroom". Your body will then go into "mach 3" digestion mode. Your intestines will attain the characteristics of tempered steel. You might find yourself unable to move for a brief time but eventually you will be back to normal, totally satiated, and with enough time left over in the day to do wonderful, complex and time-intensive projects. Like write a Ph.D. dissertation. You will also wake up in the mornings with no thoughts of food because you will still have that feeling of repulsion towards eating that you have towards tequila like after that last infamous tequila binge where you were doing topless shots on the bar... oh wait, never mind.

Ever since the premature death of Robert Atkins, diet guru, the market has been wide open for a new type of diet book and I'm thinking this may be the time for me to spring my genius onto the awaiting public. This book has the makings of a best seller all over it. But I'm not in this for the money, the fame, or even the wanton satisfaction of being a lifestyle inspiration. I'm here to spread the word and that word is... snakelike-eater.

Forthcoming posts:
"How to drink like a fish"
"How to screw like Bob Villa"
"How to party like it's 1999"


Fehlleistungen said...

I've always suspected it: you're a secret follower of The Honorable Elijah Muhammad, whose Eat to Live: Book One has this to say in opening its 15th chapter, tellingly titled "Our Biggest Problem Is Eating Too Much And Too Often":

"I repeat, the main thing in How To Eat To Live is to eat only once a day or once every other day. This will take care of everything. You cannot go all over the earth trying to eat everything that people say is good to eat. But give what you do eat time to get out of the way for the next meal and the effect that it probably will cause. Brothers and sisters, let your stomachs rest. Stop trying to eat three meals a day and all in between. That is enough to kill chickens and hogs."

Chickens. AND hogs.

(Also check out , "The Benefits of Eating Once a Day," where we learn that it is not a sin to eat camels.)

Fehlleistungen said...

Blast it all, your infernal blog machine screwed with the last part of my comment. The link is:

"The Benefits of Eating Once a Day" or: "Eating Possums: Not Such a Good Idea."

minsuhson said...

Wow. I guess I'm in elite company.

Christopher Walken, perhaps one of the greatest actors of ALL time, and my personal dreamboat also says this:

"I try to keep the icebox fairly empty, and just buy things as I want them. I only eat once a day. Usually about 7 o’clock. If I have things to do, eating slows me down. I feel like I’m under water."

But he's also a freak, so where does that leave me and this idea of eating like a snake? And is this a case of the proverbial "chicken and the egg"?

crazy --> cultural icon --> snake-like eater

minsuhson said...

After reading through those links, I realize that the Profit Elijah Mohammad has too many prohibitions, prohibitions which would put serious constraints on my own dietary habits. Thankfully I worship at the altar of no god.

How can one really go through life not eating coons, possums, turtles, turtle eggs, or frog legs? What the hell are Chinese people supposed to do?

As for the eating of camels, all I can say is a resounding, Here Here!

Fehlleistungen said...

From snake-like eater to eater of snakes. Or, snake-like eater of snakes. Although that seems like it would violate some sort of mythical prohibition.

minsuhson said...

you mean like the snake eating it's own tail?

Fehlleistungen said...

Ah, the purifying glyph. Hooey.

minsuhson said...

as an illustration of where signs and language and actually mean nothing, if the intent is to communicate, i admit that i not only looked up "glyph" but also "hooey" and they were both in the dictionary. damn you're good.

Miles said...

If you really want to "Eat Like Snake", this is how to do it (courtesy of Burger King):