Wednesday, November 09, 2005

girls don't make passes at guys with fat asses

Or small penises for that matter.

I once knew a guy in high school who was what I thought back then to be a typical American heartthrob. Tall, blond, blue-eyed, smart, good-natured and filthy rich. He also happened to have an extremely wide ass. He dated a friend of mine for years, off and on, until he was eventually able to seal the deal. At the time I thought he was getting the short end of the stick as she was very pasty and humorless. But I finally realized that what it boiled down to was simply the volume and shape of his ass. Some things are just impossible to forgive.

It's not that men with fat asses are unlikable men. On the contrary, every man with a fat ass that I have ever known has been extremely affable and charming even. Some of my favorite entertainers have fat asses: John Belushi, Notorious B.I.G., Bill Clinton, to name a few. And I don't think that they'd disagree with me when I say that the fat ass is a fatal flaw, something that can only be outweighed by extreme humor, a sawed-off shotgun, or presidential power.

The first time I had this pointed out to me was when I was seeing a certain guy who had an inexplicably wide ass. He was funny and charming and athletic even. But he also turned out to be a liar and a cheat. My friend heard about it and said confidentially, "Doesn't surprise me. You should never trust a man with a fat ass." As if that explained everything.

But in fact, it does. The reasoning is that a man with a wide, fat ass is unnatural. The same testosterone that drives men to be hunters, get into bar fights, and drink from beer bongs, is the same hormone that usually prevents men from getting wide in the ass. Just to chase tail you have to run around a lot. It's that go-get-'em attitude that I've come to identify as a model of masculinity. It speaks perserverence. Stamina. Drive. But for guys that take the easy way out, relying on words over action and empty promises over integrity, this produces an ass that is wide, corpulent and flabby. To have a wide ass means that the man is lazy and indolent. Untrustworthy.

Think this over carefully and you will come to the same conclusion. Just as the sun rises in the east, or as Bruce Lee's death was not accidental, it is an unalterable truth that fat-assed men are untrustworthy. Life would be so much easier if only people wore their flaws physically expressed like this for everyone to see and steer clear. Misogynists would have a third nipple. Sociopaths would have purple skin. Gold-digging women would have silicone boobs. Wait, a second...

As far as I know, this girlfriend of mine is moderately happy. She has two kids and lives in a luxurious mansion somewhere in Philadelphia. She lives what most suburban families would dream of as an idyllic life. But every night she goes to bed with that ass, that big fat flabby effeminate ass, and has to pretend that all these material things somehow make up for an otherwise unloveable posterior on which is inscribed all of his untrustworthiness and indolence in one fell swoop. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

(Pictured is a postcard from the 1930s.)


Montag said...

I am offended.

helen said...

I'm totally with you Min Suh. I have been burned by a fat assed chump.

minsuhson said...

montag, you can't be personally offended because i've seen your ass, and it's not fat, which leaves me to think you're offended on behalf of your fellow brothers.

well, here's your mistake, the nature of the fat-ass is gender blind and they will be indiscriminately untrustworthy to man, woman, and child.

hell i know it's mean, but truth hurts doesn't it. and in case you're afraid to say it, i'll say it here first. i'm an ass-ist.

Montag said...

I ended up thankful that through a un-reproducible series keystrokes and clicks most of my original comment was nuked. (To paraphrase: I was offended by the other thing. Please let's leave it at that.)

I hear you about the fat-assed-guy--untrustworthiness correlation. The only time in my professional life that I have been knifed in the back was from a fat-ass guy who couldn't spell. (Perhaps there is another correlation in there: between inability to spell and either fat-assedness or untrustworthiness. (?))

Fat bottom girls, however, they make the rockin' world go 'round.

minsuhson said...

It's true, the same rules don't appear to apply to girls. Once you get "back" there ain't no going flat!