let it ride

The Wynn Hotel and Casino is a testament to the longevity and ultimate absurdity of Vegas culture. Steve Wynn the former founder of the Mirage casino and conceptual genius behind 'themed casino parks' (think Circus Circus, Luxor, NY NY...) is now the proud owner of the newest casino, a relatively elegant place, right on the strip. It was at the Wynn that I witnessed this unremarkable pool of water suddenly turn into a devil's bathtub. The devil being the big head pictured here. Already a little woozy from a glass of wine and enveloped by a penetrating death heat, I saw this and subsequently came up with the ingenious idea to rename Vegas as 'Satan's Ass'. Those interested in signing my petition, please email me at satans.ass.is.hotter.than.hell@gmail.com. Donations will be humbly accepted in denominations of $100 casino chips. So, I'm not here to tell you any lurid tales of Vegas which I think are best left to the truly bad men who ply their trade. What I can tell you are some basic do's and don'ts to remember when patronizing this glittering desert oasis:

Do: Drink more in free beers than you are betting.
Don't: Make any eye contact... with anyone. Except the waitresses bringing free beers.

Do: Take a romantic drive to see Red Rocks, a natural configuration of beauty and wonder.
Don't: Bother to get out of the car.

Do: Take a nostalgic journey down memory lane and visit The Little Wedding Chapel where Nammy got hitched.
Don't: Spontaneously recreate the moment.

Do: See a classy striptease show at New York New York.
Don't: Go onstage and dry hump the performers.

Do: Throw down a $1 bet at the roulette table and yell "Let it ride!"
Don't: Touch your winnings prematurely if you treasure your fingers.

And never ever forget to pray to the gods of mechanical engineering for coming up with the gift to mankind otherwise known as 'air conditioning'.

Follow these simple guidelines and Vegas will be the blast for you that it was for me.