Tuesday, July 18, 2006


A good friend of mine, whose judgment leaves a lot to be desired, has left me two boxes of heavy weight cotton paper that hold his dissertation, the same one that he's been slaving over for the past couple of years, and one that if I don't file in a timely manner will ruin his career irreparably and probably leave him starving in the streets, him, his wife, and his goddamn adorable children.

I suppose when I accepted the responsibility of filing it for him, I should have mentioned a couple of my more obvious flaws so that he'd have a better idea of what I was capable of... not doing. Like the fact that I have a $280 fine at the university library for overdue books. And the fact that these books have been sitting in the car for about 3 months now but I've yet to manage to carry them across the 50 yards from the parking lot to the return counter. Or perhaps I should have mentioned to him that I haven't been to the dentist since 2001, and only then because my BFF forced me to go out of sheer disgust. It's a wonder that I can get boys to kiss me.

The sad truth is that sometimes it's easier to do stuff for other people than it is for yourself. If only there was such a thing as a dissertation swap meet. Where you could trade writing a whole chapter with someone else for a couple of weeks. Life would be much easier if, for instance, I were writing a paper on the "Statistical anomalies surrounding sasquatch sightings in the great American Northwest".

Well, since I know he reads this, I will consider him now fully disclosed. He better pray that I have a greater likelihood of filing his dissertation than, let's say, rotating my tires. The latter will never happen any time soon.

Just kidding of course. CH, I won't let you down. The check is in the mail. The book is in the depository. The dissertation is... wait, where does it go?

(The photo above is not mine but I love it. The work of Edward Burtynsky.)


LeperColony said...

I feel you on the library fees. They held my diploma over my head to get me to pay.

Montag said...

Yardwork is the same way. Much more fun helping somebody else with theirs.

My Father's Powerful Binoculars said...

Yeah, and doing dishes.

I think that as long as we can initiate commando-survival mode, it'll go fine.

Anonymous said...

once i racked up a $800 library fine, then I made an excuse and they canceled it.

the best thing about finishing a dissertation is returning all of your library books. that's when you feel unburdened -- literally.

good luck kiddo. keep marching onward

dan choi

minsuhson said...

somehow i don't feel so delinquent anymore...

My father's powerful binoculars said...

It's amazing how edifying filing someone else's dissertation can be. All 150 pounds of it.