for the good of golf!

Not to beat this golf thing to death or anything but one of the reasons why I find golf endlessly amusing is that it is a game that actually makes rulings as inane as the ones below, all published on the official USGA website. To these, I've added my own suggested rulings.

18/3 Ball in Fork of Tree Moves in Relation to Ground But Not in Relation to Fork
Q. A ball rests in the fork of a branch of a tree. The player climbs the tree to play his next stroke. The branch bends under his weight. Although the ball has moved relative to the ground, it has not moved relative to the fork. Is the ball deemed to have moved?

A. The ball is deemed not to have moved since it did not move in relation to the fork of the tree in which it was lodged.

Me: Wha? First, dislodge the ball up your ass and get down from the freaking tree.

18-1/6 Ball at Rest Moved by Blowing Tumbleweed
Q. A tumbleweed blowing across the course strikes a ball at rest and knocks it into the hole. What is the procedure?

A. In the circumstances, a tumbleweed is an outside agency. Rule 18-1 applies and the ball must be replaced without penalty.

MS: Blowing tumbleweed is an act of god. Collect your damn clubs, head to the 7-eleven immediately and play the lottery.

18-1/7 Ball in Plastic Bag Moves When Bag Blown to New Position by Wind
Q. A player’s ball comes to rest in a plastic bag that is lying on the ground. Before the player can invoke Rule 24-1b, a gust of wind blows the bag and the ball to a new position. In proceeding under Rule 24-1b, should the player drop the ball?

A. Wind is not an outside agency. However, if an object being moved by the wind moves a ball, the object is an outside agency in the circumstances — see Decision 18-1/6. In this case, the bag, not the wind, caused the ball to move. Accordingly, under Rules 18-1 and 24-1b, the player must drop the ball directly under the place where it originally lay in the bag.

MS: Plastic bags are acts of man. Lie down on ground, place head in bag, wrap golf towel around neck.

23/3 Half-Eaten Pear
Q. A half-eaten pear lies directly in front of a ball in a bunker and there is no pear tree in the vicinity of the bunker. In the circumstances, is the pear an obstruction rather than a loose impediment, in which case the player could remove it without penalty?

A. No. A pear is a natural object. When detached from a tree it is a loose impediment. The fact that a pear has been half-eaten and there is no pear tree in the vicinity does not alter the status of the pear.

MS: Yeah but, when the pear fell on the fairway and no one was there to see it, did it make a sound?

23/5.5 Status of Insect-Like Creatures
For the purposes of the Rules of Golf, creatures that are similar to insects, such as spiders, are considered to be insects and are, therefore, loose impediments. A web made by a spider is considered to be a cast made by an insect and is also a loose impediment, even if attached to another object. (New)

MS: This is clearly more than a ruling. It is a total reclassification of the natural world.

23/6 Dead Land Crab
Q. A ball lodges against a dead land crab in a bunker. May the crab be removed without penalty?

A. No. A dead land crab is a natural object and thus a loose impediment and not an obstruction. Removal of the crab would be a breach of Rule 13-4.

MS: What is a dead land crab doing on a golf course? And more importantly, do you have any butter on you?

25/6 Status of Saliva
Q. What is the status of saliva?

A. In equity (Rule 1-4), saliva may be treated as either an abnormal ground condition (Rule 25-1) or a loose impediment (Rule 23-1), at the option of the player.

MS: The status of saliva is that it is disgusting and meant only for the mastication of food. That is, unless there is the swappage of saliva which should be conducted in the nearest bunker with the flagstick tended and all balls in their sleeve.